New Years' Resolutions
by Leah
Summary: As the new year rolls around, everyone makes self-improvement resolutions that don't pan out the way they were expected to...


# How to keep your New Years Resolution and lose Weight at the Same time

Part One 

By Me, Leah

It all started on the killcruiser. The clock had just turned to 2262 and everyone was making revolutions. Especially Warlord Shank, whose were:   
1. Find out where Elmira is.   
2. Blow up Christa.   
3. Lose some excess pounds. 

He wasn't really all that sure about how to go about them. He was hoping he'd look great and feel happy by 2263. 

* * * 

Elmria was on the Christa was was busy with making New Years Resolutions. 

"I don't get the point," Radu said as Elmira was making her list, "of making those things. Harlan says that no one ever keeps them anyway." 

"We do it because it's fun and it inspires us to be better people. You should try them, too. I mean, your're a very great person, but you might have a little fun with this. It'd be good for you." 

"All right, then, what kind . . . just, anything?" 

"Yeah, just anything. I am going, to according to this, be nicer to everyone on the Christa and I'm not going to insult unless insulted. And I'm going to lose weight and stop tripping Harlan on purpose and everyone else by accident with my tail. Comments? Questions? I've also got to prevent you from getting into trounle just because I'm here." 

"All that? Just because the _date_ changed? I don't know, Elmira, let me come up with a few." 

He leaned back, staring at the wall. He frowned. 

"I'll be . . . more outgoing and I'll stop complaining about all of your loud voices . . . try to improve my horrid grades. Were they good?" 

"They were excellent. I can't wait to see them followed through." 

* * * 

A week later 

"Warlord Shank, we are losing pounds now!" Shank exclaimed to himself as be joyfully hopped of the scale. "Lookin' _good_!" 

He skipped off to breakfast, which now consisted of a lot less because of his "miracle diet," on which he had already lost 2 pounds! 

After breakfast, he bounced off to find his new Marcarena Workout Tape, which he had bought for muscle tone. 

At least he was getting _one_ of his New Years Resolutions done. 

* * * 

Harlan made a face and held it back. The comment he was holding back could really hurt Rosie's feelings, so he was really about to burst. 

The dark orange, yellow green, and blue outfit, along Rosie's pink skin tone, was an eyesore. 

But Rosie loved the outfit and she spent hours making it. No, he had to hold it back. 

Holding back comments was one of his New Years Resolutions. 

* * * 

Bova's resolution was to stop eating everyone else's food at dinner. And lunch. And breakfast. He'd eat his own food, and nothing else. 

If he didn't, he'd . . . compliment someone. Which he really hated. That would be horrible. He'd have to say it truthfully, too, like how he loved that new dress of Rosie's, even though Harlan hated it. 

* * * 

Commander Goddard, standing in the doorway of Miss Davenport's classroom, was trying not to laugh at Miss D. She was wearing a "kick me" sign that had been written by Suzee. He didn't laugh at Miss Davenport because his New Year's Resolution was not to embarrass her or contradict her in front of the kids. He'd been having a lot of trouble with this one. 

* * * 

"HEY, MARCARENA!" Warlord Shank yelled along with his tape, doing the nutty dance with extra pep in his step. He finished a few minutes later, grinning. Then he clicked the "rewind" button on his remote control and, a second later, the tape was ready again. 

"Watch out, everybody," Shank whispered, "here comes the VERY SCARY MARCARENA-DANCING WARLORD SHANK! Universe, watch out!" 

He pressed "play" and got back to his workout. 

Out in the hall, two of his servants were watching. 

"What do you think, Tracy?" 

"He's lost it, Paublo." 

"It's sad." 

"I wonder how many Spung Warlords before him have lost their minds while doing the Marcarena." 

"I think they must have already been nuts when they bought the tape." 

"Good point." 

They both turned to look at the very happy, bouncy Warlord Shank. 

"So what are _your_ New Years Resolutions?" 

* * * 

Dinner came on the Christa. All of the kids were sitting down, except for Jeev, who was being the waiter. 

"And what would you like, sir? I reccommend something that you deem yummy." 

Bova ordered a long list of things and felt bad that he had to order all of his own food instead of eating a little bit of everyone else's. (Along with his own.) 

Jeev sat down and talked to his cousin. [Elmira, for those of you who didn't read the Warlord Zaxus stories.] 

"I have decided that I have a New Years' Resolution. Actually, three." 

Harlan turned to look. "Oh, really? What are they?" 

"See, I am going to be a better waiter and bellboy. And I'm alos giong to stop picking my nose." 

Harlan and Elmira burst out laughing at that monment. Bova had finished eating his food and turned to look at Jeev. 

"What is it when you pick your nose? What does that mean?" Bova asked, arousing more laughter from Elmira. 

"You don't know what that means? Geez, it is when you stick yoru finger up your nose and get . . . " she couldn't finish because she was laughing so hard. 

Radu was looking really sick. 

"So, anyway, Radu, do you pick your nose?" Bova asked. 

Radu turned a shade of sea green and jumped out of the room. (He had a very weak stomach.) 

Suddenly, Bova saw the light of this new nose-picking thing. 

"I get what it is! It's what Miss Davenport does when she thinks no one is looking!" 

MIss Davenport gasped. "Why you little . . ." 

Commander G. stated laughing hysterically. THe kids were quiet because they wanted to know how many demerits Bova would get. 

"Commander, I wish to speak to Bova without your commentary." 

The Commadner frowned. //_I can't even keep my new Years resolutions for two weeks._// He slammed his head onto the table, causing more laughter. 

Jeev yelled, "QUIET! I have one more resolution!" 

Everyone turned to look at him, surprised that such a loud noise could come from such a small kid. 

"I," began Jeev, "am going to learn . . . to dance." 

There was no talking. No one made a sound. 

"I am going," he said quietly and slowly, "to take ballet. And I'm going to be be graceful and everyone will think I'm cool. I already got my tutu from the cargo hold." 

Harlan laughed. "Tutus are for girls." 

Jeev frowned. "But . . . I've always wanted to wear one. That's unfair." 

Miss Davenport sighed and said comfortingly to Jeev, "You can wear a tutu if you really want to, Jeev. You don't have to listen to anyone else." 

Jeev smiled and stuck his tongue out at Harlan. 

Bova leaned forward and whispered in his teacher's ear, "Miss Davenport, if he's allowed to wear a tutu, I guess you're allowed to pick your nose." 

__

To Be Continued . . .

# How to keep Your New Years' Resolutions and Lose Weight at the same Time

Part Two 

By Me, Leah

"The 'Miracle Diet' reigns supreme!" Warlord Shank yelled, running out of his bathroom. 

He began walking aorund his killcruiser, grinning. "I will look spiffy! All of the . . . babes . . . will be checking me out and my coolness will be large. I'll go out on dates. YES!!!!!!!" 

He tried to do a cartwheel to celebrate, but he landed on his butt. 

"Gymnastics! I know! I'll be flexable and spiffy at the same time! I now have to use my Marcarena tape again for another workout." 

He tangoed to his workout room with an imaginary partener to get ready. 

* * * 

"He runs . . he jumps . . .he . . . falls flat on his face." 

"Shut up, Harlan Band. Good job, Jeev, better luck next time!" 

"He's actually improving. He's falling on his face more _gracefully_." 

"I thought you were going to stop insulting people." 

"To their faces. Be hind their backs, well, that's something different. It's like the saying 'What you don't know can't hurt you.' " 

"Earthers have stupid sayings." 

"I thought you said that you were going to stop bugging me." 

"What you don't know can't hurt you, so I guess you're in bliss, idiot." 

"What crawled up _your_ butt?" 

"You make a sick comment like that once again, and you're going to really pity yourself." 

"Why?" 

There was another crash, and then a thud. 

"Jeev strikes again." 

"Will you leave the poor kid alone? He just wants to learn to dance and you're not exactly encouraging him." 

"He's a good kid, but there's one basic law: Klutzes don't dance." 

"But he's not a klutz; he's a great pal for everyone, and just because he's not . . . _graceful_, . . . it doesn't mean you have to bother him." 

Jeev tried to do a flip-type thing in midair. He, as usual, landed on his butt. 

He frowned. "I'll never be able to do with, Elmira. Maybe I should just give up." 

"No, of course not, Jeev. You're a Spung prince. Spung kids do not give up. Well, not until they give it a good long try!" 

"Spungs never give up! They're too stubborn!" 

"Hello, but you're such a hypocrite. Shut up, Harlan. No one asked you." 

"Elmira, why does you two always fight? You could be buddies!" 

"You mean why _do_ we fight. We just don't get along for reasons unknown." 

"But isn't he the best friend of your Andromedan?" 

"He's not mine, or at least, not in the sense you're thinking of. But it does put the Andromedan right in the middle." 

"Don't worry, kiddo." 

"Don't call my cousin 'kiddo.' Do you have any idea how _lame_ that is, you jerk?" 

* * * 

Bova was sitting in his dorm room, daydreaming about food. 

He was also wondering about what it would be like to pick his nose. //_I wonder what it's like to pick your nose._// 

So, after much wondering, he decided to try it. 

* * * 

"Hey, Marcarena! Ayut! Ayut! All of that stuff in language I don't know . . . and . . . HEY MARCARENA!!!" 

This time, Shank's current best friend, Lyzea, was with him. She thought that the Macaranea was the best thing ever to hit the universe. She also liked the Cabbage Patch, the Batman, and the Time Warp. [_Author's note: I never knew the three dances preceeding this note existed, but I do now, thanks to Paul! Hi Paul! How's life? Stop acting depressed! Do the Marcarena with Shank!_] 

Then, halfway through the tape, Lyzea yelled, "Let's go weigh ourselves!" 

They ran off to find a scale. The servants stared. 

"I guess when you get old, that's about as thrilling as your dates get, eh, buddy?" 

"I don't want to get old." 

__

To Be Continued . . . 

# How to keep your New Years' Resolutions and lose Weight at the Same Time

Part Three 

By Me, Leah

Bova was doing an experiment when he felt an itch in his nose. 

So he used his "new skill." He picked it. 

Of all the stupid mistakes in the world, this one may take the cake. 

Bova had superglue on his hand from the experiment. The Superglue was sticking his finger to the inside of his nose! 

But Bova was not paying attention to that. He was actually thinking about what a great thing this picking thing was. So he just dug away, oblivious to all life. 

* * * 

It was 2 1/2 hours later and in the middle of a class when Bova ran in, blushing. 

"Take your finger out of your nose right this instant!" Miss Davenport yelled. 

Bova sighed, blushing deeper. "It's sort of . . . stuck." 

"Excuse me?" 

"The glue, it's stuck in my nose. Or my finger, which is in my nose. I can't get it out." 

All of the fellow kids laughed. 

Bova blushed again. "I'm going to die if I can't get my finger out of my nose." 

Jeev walked in with a grin on his face. He stopped smiling when he saw Bova. 

"Did you know that I once picked my nose in public and I got in trouble from Uncle Shank?" 

Catalina laughed. "_Uncle Shank_? That's a funny one!" 

Jeev turned to look at Bova. "You can take your finger out of your nose now." 

Bova shook his head and muttered, "It's stuck." 

Jeev grinned and walked up to Bova. Then he grabbed Bova's arm and _PULLED_. And it yanked Bova forward. Bova dropped to the ground, unhappily holding his nose. He was in pain. 

"It appears, Bova, that you may actually have a problem." 

* * * 

Warlord Shank was very, very tired. He was fast asleep. And the serants were trying as best as they could not to wake him up. 

He woke up anyway. 

For the first time in two weeks, he didn't feel like doing the Marcarena. He didn't feel like doing anything. He was too tired. He went back to sleep. He didn't feel all that "spiffy" any more. 

* * * 

Commander Goddard's head hurt a lot from when he hit his head on the table. All of the kids purposely hit their heads on things when they saw him, which really made Miss Davenport angry because that was a "distraction." 

//_Why does nothing I do please her? I'm hopless! I'll never get the courage to ask her out!_// 

He slammed his aching head against the wall. 

The kids laughed. 

* * * 

It was three days later and Bova's finger was still stuck up his nose. 

That afternoon, the ship landed in a spaceport. Bova figured that a good doctor could get his finger out of his nose, as long as he could find one. 

As soon as they docked, Bova went around, getting odd looks from everyone. A young girl whispered to her mother, "See? If he can pick, I can pick." 

Bova blushed and went on. Then he found it. "Family medical facilities." He walked in. 

A girl met him at the door. "Do you need to meet one of our universe - renowned doctors?" 

Yeah. I've got a little problem with my, uh, nose. My finger . . . " 

The girl started laughing and could not stop. 

"I guess we'll have to put you in the room with that real idiot who kept on doing the Marcarena and how he's pulled muscles and aches all over. But that may not be as stupid as . . ." She looked at him with his finger glued into his nose, and fell to the ground, laughing. 

Bova went into the waiting room. 

* * * 

Warlord Shank sat in the waiting room, very unhappy. He ached and whenever he passed, all of the servants either started laughing or ran away to laugh. 

The doorway opened and a boy from Uranus walked in. His finger was . . . not in a nice place. 

Shank could not help staring. The boy looked very scared as soon as he saw Shank. 

"Um, hello. I am in because my finger, you see, it got, uh, stuck -" 

Shank laughed hysterically at the boy's misfortune. 

Bova wanted to run away. 

* * * 

Harlan's hysterical laughter echoed through the store. "Elmira, he went to the doctor's . . . heehee . . . to get his finger out of his . . . heehee, nose? Really?" 

Elmira nodded. "It's all Jeev's fault, Jeev introduced him to ..." 

They laughed as hard as was possible. Radu was trying to zone them out as he decided what to buy. He couldn't believe Bova would ever do such a gross thing. 

__

To Be Continued . . .

# How to Keep your New Years' Resolutions and Lose Weight at the Same Time

Part Four 

By Me, Leah

When Bova left the doctor's office, Warlord Shank was still lying in the waiting room. He couldn't move. 

"Help," he whispered. "I can't move. My head hurts. My butt hurts. Where's that doctor?" 

Bova shrugged and left. At least his problems were over. His finger was removed from his nose. 

* * * 

Elmira was exercising to Richard Simmons tapes. She really needed to lose weight. (Or, at least, in her mind.) 

"Really, Elmira, chill out. You're fine looking already." 

"That's not true. You're just saying that because Richard there is pissing you off." 

"That _is_ part of it. But, please, just relax." 

"Fine, if you want. But when you're sleeping, I'll start again." 

* * * 

Miss Davenport frowned at the kids. 

"I don't feel as though you've studied properly for this test." 

Commander Goddard, who was watching Miss Davenport lovingly from the doorway, frowned. 

"They weren't _here_, Miss Davenport. They were away, on a planet. I think they should get a retest." 

"It was their job to study, Commander Goddard. If they failed to study, they deserved their fate. I do not wish to hear any more of your commentary." 

Commander Goddard ran up to her. "Listen, it's driving me nuts. I'm sorry to bother you, but I _need_ to ask you something." 

All of the students were watching expectantly. 

"Do you, eh, want to go out with, you know . . . . me?" 

Miss Davenport stared at him. 

"I may have to get back to you on that." 

Commander G. yelled something indecipherable and ran from the room. Miss Davenport turned to the class. They were grinning evilly at her. 

She went after the Commander. 

* * * 

"Listen, Commander, I don't think I could possibly go out with anyone right now. We're lost in space! I really don't know if I like you. Can't you bother me with this later? I have a classroom full of snickering children. I have to get back to you. Bye." 

Goddard sat down. And began to wonder where his mommy was. 

He slammed his head into the wall. 

* * * 

Shank was lying in bed. He didn't want to get up. His younger brother, Warlord Burbank, was very plastered. He'd been trying to get over it, because his wife, Crystal, wanted him to. But he was a little too weak. He'd given in. So he was drinking. Again. 

"Hyuk . . . brother. You feelin' . . . poofy? There are ever so many sheep! How is your eyeball? May they fart?" 

Shank rolled his eyes. (The only thing he could really voluntarily move at that point.) "Really. Just lie down. The hangover is going to come soon, and that's never fun, now is it?" 

"But they have no permission to poopie! My name is Zoë!" 

"Of course. Go take a nap, Zoë." 

"But, Mommy -" 

I am not your mother." 

"I must not nap. It is not my priority. My dog naps. I am above _all_ toilets . . ." 

Then he collapsed. 

Shank went back to sleep. 

* * * 

The Richard Simmons tape was lying on the ground, in pieces. Radu was triumphant. 

Until Elmira walked in. And began to cry. 

Then Radu felt like a ginglebutt. [_Author's note: I got that from Zach Greenwald! He was calling people that in Art class! Hi Amy! Hi Zach!_] 

"I hate New Years' Resolutions," Elmira wailed. 

"So do I," Radu muttered, covering his ears. 

* * * 

"Listen, Commander. I really can't go out with you. See, uh, I don't . . . like . . . you. Sorry." 

Commander Goddard slammed his head into the wall. 

//_I hate New Years' Resolutions._// 

* * * 

Bova was sitting with his classmates at lunch when he felt a hunger pang. He'd already eaten, and was dying of starvation. 

"I hate New Years' Resolutions!" he yelled out of the blue. He got looks. Then he grabbed some of Radu's food and shoved it into his mouth. 

Finally, he was content. 

* * * 

Warlord Shank was still unable to move. His brother, Warlord Burbank, [_Author's Note: Warlord Burbank was named after Mr. Burbank, my principal, jokingly. The real principal would never be plastered. Believe me_] was still suffering from a hangover. 

Yet he was still muttering something about Victoria's Secret sheep. 

Shank growled. He'd been at it for 1½ months. Elmira was missing, the Christa people were still alive, and he'd _only lost one pound._

"I HATE NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS!" he hollered at the top of his lungs. 

Elsewhere in the ship, the servants snickered. 

# The End


End file.
